Soliloquy

I'm a useless 23 year-old kid who lives at home and leeches off of my parents because I can't get a job no matter how hard I try and how long I look. I'm worthless. Useless. A useless eater. I'll never amount to anything in life, and nothing seems to have any real meaning anymore; I have no drive, no motivation to do anything. I'm not even taking school seriously, to the point of probably failing at least one class this semester. Even all of my activism has begun to feel pointless. It's not like I'm actually making a difference in this world, anyway. I mean, who the fuck am I, this lowly peasant named Kelvin Rodeo, for people to believe what I say and do? I'm nothing, I'm nobody. My existence is a worthless one. Everything that I did was to try to start feeling something about life again, but I quickly discovered that all of that, too, will fade away and disappear. I guess nothing can really be exciting when you're such a worthless person.

I mean, really! What have I done in my 23 years of this worthless existence that anyone will ever have a good memory about? Absolutely nothing! When I die, I will just be some other guy who died, no one special, no one worth talking about or mourning over. I'm all alone in this cold, dark place. But it's ok. I'm just a fucked up kid who fucks up everything he touches. It's good that I'm alone, can't hurt anyone that way. I'm so tired of this. All of it. This thing called life is a joke. What's the point of it all? Why am I on this earth if all I can do is fuck up and piss people off or make them sad? What a cruel joke if that is all there is to this existence. Who would want to live a life like that? A life where I only hurt the people who try to help me. I'll never be a good person no matter what I do. I can pray and pray and pray for change and I can try my hardest to change but no matter what, I always fuck up in the end and prove that I haven't changed. Do my prayers fall on deaf ears? Most likely, but it doesn't hurt to try. But I'm tired of trying. Tired of it all and how pointless it is. Why am I alive? Why must I cause so much suffering? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

Sometimes I wish I could just go crazy, like be one of those people in an insane asylum who isn't there at all because they're in their head in some imaginary world all the time. I figure that's the only way out of this. I'm so pathetic I can't ever kill myself because deep down I'm too scared to die. Because I know how much more pain that would cause, and I couldn't bear that kind of a burden, even in the afterlife.