Soliloquy

I'm a useless 23 year-old kid who lives at home and leeches off of my parents because I can't get a job no matter how hard I try and how long I look. I'm worthless. Useless. A useless eater. I'll never amount to anything in life, and nothing seems to have any real meaning anymore; I have no drive, no motivation to do anything. I'm not even taking school seriously, to the point of probably failing at least one class this semester. Even all of my activism has begun to feel pointless. It's not like I'm actually making a difference in this world, anyway. I mean, who the fuck am I, this lowly peasant named Kelvin Rodeo, for people to believe what I say and do? I'm nothing, I'm nobody. My existence is a worthless one. Everything that I did was to try to start feeling something about life again, but I quickly discovered that all of that, too, will fade away and disappear. I guess nothing can really be exciting when you're such a worthless person.

I mean, really! What have I done in my 23 years of this worthless existence that anyone will ever have a good memory about? Absolutely nothing! When I die, I will just be some other guy who died, no one special, no one worth talking about or mourning over. I'm all alone in this cold, dark place. But it's ok. I'm just a fucked up kid who fucks up everything he touches. It's good that I'm alone, can't hurt anyone that way. I'm so tired of this. All of it. This thing called life is a joke. What's the point of it all? Why am I on this earth if all I can do is fuck up and piss people off or make them sad? What a cruel joke if that is all there is to this existence. Who would want to live a life like that? A life where I only hurt the people who try to help me. I'll never be a good person no matter what I do. I can pray and pray and pray for change and I can try my hardest to change but no matter what, I always fuck up in the end and prove that I haven't changed. Do my prayers fall on deaf ears? Most likely, but it doesn't hurt to try. But I'm tired of trying. Tired of it all and how pointless it is. Why am I alive? Why must I cause so much suffering? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

Sometimes I wish I could just go crazy, like be one of those people in an insane asylum who isn't there at all because they're in their head in some imaginary world all the time. I figure that's the only way out of this. I'm so pathetic I can't ever kill myself because deep down I'm too scared to die. Because I know how much more pain that would cause, and I couldn't bear that kind of a burden, even in the afterlife.

*sigh*

You know what I hate? I hate making my mom sad and/or mad. I love her too much, and it pains me to see her any way but happy. But you know what I hate more than that? Myself, because no matter what I do or say, I will always end up making my mom sad and/or mad. Tonight my mom came to my door to ask me if I was an atheist, because she sees everything that I post that is atheist-related. We got into an argument over it because she said that it offended her and that I shouldn't post any of that stuff up and then I told her that Facebook was the only thing in my life that I still had control over, so I didn't appreciate that she was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't post on Facebook.

Then she said that I should stop posting that kind of stuff because it offends her, so I told her that if it offends her, she should just remove me from her friends list so that she doesn't have to see my posts on her newsfeed anymore. Later she brought up that she raised us to be Christians/Catholics and I told her that it was absurd that she wanted me to still believe (even after everything that I've been through in life, and all the books and research that I've read, etc.) up to now. And then at one point she said "Just don't question those things," and then that's when I just really blew up on her. I wasn't shouting at the top of my lungs of whatever, but there was a definite increase in my volume as my frustration was at its peak levels at the time. And then she said something and just walked away.

I know I made her sad and/or mad because of all that tonight, and it's killing me right now. This is even worse than the last time I had to deal with something like this. Why do I have to decide either to not offend my mom or to continue to be the authority-questioning freethinker that I really am? It's really depressing me to know that I'm offending my mom just by being myself and posting things that question everything that I've been taught all my life. It's just……I don't even know. *sigh* I love my mom so much, and I don't want to offend her and I don't want to make her sad/mad and anything like that, but can I really stop being myself? Can I really resist the urge to post the things that I always post? It's killing me!!!! This is who I am, and I can't change that. I don't want to live a lie and pretend like I'm this God-fearing Christian kid that she raised. I can't. And that kills me, because I know that it upsets her, but I can't change anything about it.

I've cried multiple times tonight after that incident, and I am crying as I type this blog entry right now. You have no idea how much it kills me to have upset my mom tonight. I was just being myself and doing what I normally do. I'm sorry. Sometimes, life is just really shitty, you know? I fucking hate my life. Sometimes, I wish that I had never been born, because my entire existence is littered with numerous instances of me upsetting my mom. Time after time, no matter what I do and no matter how I try to change, I always, always upset my mom in the end. And it kills me to know that that is my existence in a nutshell. What kind of life is that, to know that no matter what you do you will always be hurting your mother in the end? Over and over again. I'm so sick of it.

In case anyone was wondering, THIS is why I don't believe in your kind and loving God, who, I learned from the 8 years that I went to Christian schools, supposedly plans out everything in our lives before we are even born. Why would he make me just to live out a life that he had planned out in advance, in which my very existence means my mother would suffer for as long as I live? If he really does exist, and he really does plan everything out like I was taught in school, then that God of yours is one mean ass deity, and I refuse to worship it ever again, let alone believe in its existence. Too bad that still doesn't change the fact that no matter what I do, I'm always gonna end up upsetting my mother. *sigh*

The New Routine.

So I spent the weekend moving into Denyale's house.... I am now living with Denyale and Dylan out in town, and it's pretty sweet. I am not going to move all my stuff out of my barracks room, obviously, but just the stuff that's taking up a lot of space here. I'm only gonna be using my room for the nights that I have to come in to work on the messdecks. The weekend was alright, I went over to Mango's pad for a little BBQ with other people from the shop and everyone got wild and crazy and drunk. I drank a few drinks, but I knew that Den and Dylan would get way too trashed that night, so I eventually cut myself off so that I could drive us home when everyone was ready to leave. It was quite an experience, the drive home. It was dark and it was raining pretty hard so I was kinda on edge already, and then Den, being absorbed into her phone and reacting to it with "oh my god" and "gasp" from time to time, would really freak me out. I'm not usually a jumpy driver, but keep in mind that I haven't driven a vehicle in over 8 months (probably even longer), and I have never driven in Washington, AND it was dark and rainy.... all of that makes the perfect recipe for a nerve-racking night.

So anyway, we got home and the absolutely wasted Dylan went to bed eventually, after a couple of embarrassing moments with Den and quite possibly some hidden truths that came out unintentionally. The next morning we were gonna drop Dylan off to work, but when I woke up to my alarm I was so tired that I passed out again and they left. I woke up when Den came back and I couldn't sleep after that. I ended up watching the second half of Heroes Season 3, because there was a marathon running on G4. Den and I stayed in our own little worlds pretty much all day, except for the times when she would cook us a meal, and then later on in the night she had decided that enough was enough and we couldn't stay in the house any longer. She said we needed to go out and do something or she would go insane, so that's just what we did. We went over to Silverdale Mall and hung out for a while, and then on our way back she said she was too lazy to cook again so we decided to go get some pizza from LIttle Caesar's.

We ate the pizza and watched ghost shows on TV, and then she and I went to bed because she said she had to go fishing early in the morning the next day. She ended up not going because she had ended up staying up so late (she said she didn't get to sleep till around 5:30), and I woke up to the sound of Dylan entering the house. We all hung out for a couple of hours, and then Wolf and Connor came over and chilled for a while and we all got drunk at the house and all that shit.

IDK, it was a pretty boring and uneventful weekend for me, but it was good down time spent with Den and Dylan. We have accepted that the three of us are all we have for the next year and a half (I, unfortunately, have longer on the boat than that, but Den and Dylan are getting out before I do) and that this was our family until then. It's cool, though, because I really do see Den as a sister and Dylan as a brother. They're the ony two people in the shop that I actually do trust fully and wholeheartedly and I know won't fuck me over on anything.