I don't know

I'm pathetic. I can't live with myself anymore but I can't just off myself either because even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes knowing how much pain I'll be causing the people I love the most. Just change, you tell me. Change, if you're not satisfied with the way your life is going. Easy for you to say. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what I go through on a daily basis. No one does. I keep it all locked up inside me because no one cares about what I'm going through. Everyone has their own problems to worry about. No time for me or my problems. And I don't want to be a burden on anyone anyway, so I don't go around telling everyone that I meet that I'm fucked up in the head and in life. Something is wrong with me. Something is terribly wrong with me. My life is shit. I'm in over my head in debt with no job and no income to pay it all off. I've been looking for a job for the past year and have had no luck whatsoever. I'm pretty much convinced that I'll never get a job, considering how the search has gone so far. I've pretty much fallen back into the same shithole I was in before school started. School helped for a while but now it seems like things are back to the way they were before. I'm probably failing all my classes now and I'm struggling to get by because I can't even afford my textbooks. Because I couldn't afford textbooks, my motivation was shot straight out the window. It didn't help that none of my teachers but one were motivational or interesting. I'm almost fully convinced now that college isn't for me, which then makes me think 5 years into the future where I'm a homeless bum scraping by with my failure of a life. Sometimes I just want to escape from it all. From this world. Take a nice little Soma vacation like they do in Brave New World. But even that would be useless, because as soon as that vacation is over I'd just be right back in this shithole of a life. I thought I could bring meaning back to my life by being a political activist and by fighting for what I believe in and trying to rile the masses of the CNMI into action, but even there I have failed. I guess I really am good at nothing but failing…. in all avenues of my life it seems that is my one common theme…..failure. So tell me, why am I still here? What point is there to my useless, worthless failure of a life? I just can't seem to figure it out. I can't ever kill myself. I won't. I refuse. But I do know that I cannot continue living this sorry excuse for a life. I'm pathetic. Goodbye for now, I guess I will take that Soma vacation, after all...

Tired

Who am I? Why am I here? What is the point of life on this Earth?

Obviously, I've been cursed since my birth.

Between the problems of this world and the problems of my own personal life,

My world is filled with far too much strife.

So much strife that I really don't want to go on.

I wish I could believe in the existence of a new dawn.

But no such thing exists; things will always be the same…

The problems abound and are far too many to name.

People keep telling me that things will get better,

But I think there's a better chance of us never seeing Rick Santorum wear another vest style sweater.

I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

Sometimes I wish I could just be permanently fired.

Is there any hope? I just don't know.

If there is, it's moving towards me way too slow.

Way to go, Kelvin….*sigh*

I'm a fraud. A phony. I go about professing about love and how love is the answer and love will save us all and how we should love everyone and blah blah blah…. but I just can't do that anymore. I mean, how can I go around telling people about love when I can't even bring myself to love ME? I just don't love myself…not one bit. I despise my very being. I loathe the image I see in the mirror. I break everything I touch and I fuck everything up for everyone.

It's only the first day of the new year and I couldn't even do something as simple as keep a new year's resolution. My new year's resolution was to do everything in my power to make this a family again….to finally bring us back to the happy family that we once were….but I can't even do that. Not even a whole day into the new year and already I got into an altercation with my mother which resulted in me choosing to stay at home while the rest of the family goes down to Anaheim to visit an old family friend. *sigh*

I'm so fucking stupid….sometimes I just don't even want to exist anymore if all I ever do is cause the people I hold dearest a bunch of pain and misery. Goddammit. I can't ever do anything right. I hate myself so much…so much for a new year and a new start….it's just the same ole stupid me, continuing to fuck everything up for people. What's the point of even living anymore? The anti-depressants are obviously not even working on me anymore. Oh well…whatever, I guess. *sigh*

Just some stuff that's on my mind...

Boy, when the depression hits, it hits ya damn hard. Sitting around feeling worthless and without direction wondering what the point of living is right now. I had but one wish for Christmas this year, and that was for us to be a family again….and I couldn't even get that. This family is so screwed and this is such a broken home it's not even funny. I feel so sorry for my baby sister, that this is the kind of life that she has to grow up living…she deserves so much better. She's such a bright little kid and she has such a good future ahead of her….*sigh*

Story of my life, I guess….my family's never been the picture perfect example of what a family should be like. We've always had problems, ever since I was a little kid. I guess one could even say that I'm the source of all the problems in this family. I've tried to change, so many times I've tried but failed…and I'm just so tired of trying and failing in life. I failed my family, I failed myself, I failed the CNMI because I couldn't kickstart the revolution, I just fail at life, basically.

I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing adds up anymore. Really, what is the point of life? Is it to suffer? Because that doesn't seem like much of a life to me. With everything fucked up in my head and my life, I also have to deal with how fucked up the outside world is and how hopeless the situation seems out there too. With psychopaths making moves towards gaining complete control over the world population and restricting our rights and making our slavery complete, what is the point of living anymore? We fight and fight and fight but nothing ever changes….nothing.

It really is seeming pretty hopeless, so please forgive my sudden burst of negativity and extreme pessimism. I could only hold on to the optimist charade for so long. *sigh* Sometimes I just really wonder if this is all there is to life….just a bunch of pain and misery and suffering and eternal damnation as slaves in this Matrix world of illusion and deception… I'd like to think that there's so much more, but I just can't see it. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, aside from that light that you walk into when you're gone from this physical existence? Because I look into my tunnel and all I see is darkness. Eternal darkness for miles and miles, never ending……

Darkness. Forever. It engulfs me. Consumes me whole until I am no more. This is my life. I am a slave to the Matrix. Life is…..

My "Revival" Weekend

Well, there's really no point in me trying to explain that it's been a LONG while since I last posted anything on here, as you can all see that for yourselves. So I'm just gonna dive right into the meat of things and explain how this past weekend was my big "revival" weekend. Unfortunately, it's still gonna be a pretty long entry, because I really want to get the WHOLE story out there. I hope you do read it all, so you can see for yourself just where I am coming from right now.

For those of you who have been keeping up with me on Facebook through my constant status updates, you know that I have been having quite a miserable time lately (for the past few months it's been on and off, back and forth between being absolutely miserable and then totally "fine" on the outside), and it really got to its worst on Friday night. I honestly felt like just throwing in the towel and letting my life just go to shit (even more than it already has). But then, something happened. This is the story of how this weekend reaffirmed to me that everything (and I mean, EVERYTHING) happens for a reason, and that you are always exactly where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to be doing.

It started on Friday night. I was packing my bags and getting ready to leave for Andrew's house, since he was my ride up to San Jose. I couldn't drive my car, so I was relying on my sister to take me to Andrew's house. The details of what happened next are kinda iffy in my head right now, but basically I was having some sort of conversation with my mom and sister and then she said something that really upset me, and so I raised my voice and she did the same, and things got pretty heated pretty quickly. It ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs, "You're not my fucking sister! (x2)" And so, needless to say, THAT pretty much blew away any chance I had of getting to Andrew's.

So I decided that I was going to walk all the way across LA county from Glendale to Marina del Rey, since I REALLY wanted to go to the Summer Conference, and that was the only way I saw that I was gonna get there. Now, you're probably wondering, "Why didn't you just ask your Mom to drop you off?" Well, I did, you see, but my mom isn't used to driving long distances at night, so she said she couldn't do it. And so, with my mind set on walking the whole way there, I posted it on Facebook, like I always do, posting every second of my life on there like it's the normal thing to do... And then while I was packing my bags and getting ready to leave, my sister knocks on my door. So I open it, and all she says is "I'll take you, ok?" Me, still being heated from earlier, REALLY wanted to say some snide remark, but decided to lower my pride and just say, "Ok."

So eventually I get to Andrew's place, and I was on Facebook on my iPhone (I just can't get enough of Facebook, it seems, eh?) reading and commenting on my best friend Trevor Roach's latest status update. He was in the same shitty mood I was in, which was becoming more and more common lately. So his friend T-roy and I pretty much invaded his wall post and had our own little conversation about life and shit like that, and man, this guy really inspired me! I mean, WOW. He'd been down on his luck for over 2 years already and was STILL alive and kicking, and STILL moving forward trying to make the best outta the cards he'd been dealt. I thought MY life was bad? This guy had been so low at one point that he was living in his car for a period of time! It was truly a huge slap in the face for me, and I immediately felt horrible that I was over here complaining on a daily basis about how bad my life is...and then I get this reminded from a friend of a friend living on the opposite side of the country that my problems ain't shit compared to what he's gone through, and what so many other people are still going through. Just...the way he looks at life, the way he goes on living day to day saying that it is what it is and he can only look forward, it's truly inspiring! It got me thinking, if HE can go on living and thinking like that even after all he's been through and is still going through, what RIGHT do I have to sit here and complain about my life when I don't even have it as bad as he does? That was the start of it all...the beginning of my decision to change. The events that transpired next were the true catalyst for this huge change in me, though. Keep reading, you won't regret it. I promise.

So we get to the BWW Summer Conference 2011, and things are going well, and there are all these speakers sharing their tips to becoming successful and stuff like that, and it was as if the flame inside me that had been sparked by my conversation with T-roy had just been fed a bunch of "fire food". That small little spark in me just grew and grew until the fires of passion and absolute excitement about being alive completely consumed me. I was experiencing a natural euphoria and I was getting hyped up about life! In less than 24 hours, I went from feeling the worst I had ever felt in my life, to feeling the absolute best that I had felt in a VERY long time. It was AMAZING! We eventually broke for dinner, and when we came back, there was this group performing a few songs about being successful in the business and stuff like that. They ended it with "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. THAT was the kicker. Those words have never rang truer for me in my entire life! "I get knocked down, but I get up again; You're never gonna keep me down!" I mean, WOW! The rest of the night went with a few more presentations that really changed my life.

On Sunday morning, Matt woke me up and we got dressed and ready and went to the Christian service. Keep in mind, folks, that I am not a Christian. Those of you who know me, know why. Those of you who don't, that's another blog entry altogether, but I promise I will explain. When we got there, the same group that had been performing on Saturday's second half was on stage singing songs of praise. The song they were singing when we got there had something to do with how much we are all loved by Jesus and whatnot, I no shit, I started tearing up. I mean my eyes started to water and I almost broke down right then and there. It was EXACTLY what I had needed to hear. I had been feeling so unloved and unappreciated and unworthy of anything for the longest time, and for complete strangers to tell me that Jesus loves me, for some reason I just cracked. It hit a chord in my soul that hadn't been hit in a very long time. I felt all the energy from everyone around me as they all praised God and Jesus and stuff like that, and I was being revitalized by it. Slowly but surely I, the Kelvin you all once knew and loved, was coming back to life... but different. Better. But that's not even the best part. My Christian friends will LOVE what I am about to tell you all next. So the service progressed, and at the end of it all, Alan, who was speaking at the service that morning, led those who wished to participate in The Sinner's Prayer. I had never heard of it before, but I decided to say it along with everyone else anyway. In for a penny, in for a pound, you know? So we went on and said the prayer, and it got to some part about Jesus and washing away our sins or something like that, and again I just felt so LOVED and so moved by it all that my eyes began to tear up again... I was being completely washed over with so much positive energy and so much love that I just couldn't help but tear up. It was quite an experience, and I loved it! That said, though, and I'm sorry that this will probably disappoint all my Christian friends, I'm not returning to the Christian religion. Like I said, i have my reasons, and that's a whole different blog entry for a later time.

The rest of the day went on without a hitch, and I learned even more things that I needed to know to make my business successful and stuff like that. All in all, the Function was AMAZING and most definitely LIFE CHANGING. I will forever remember this past weekend as my Revival Weekend, because it was a weekend in which a long-dead part of me was brought back to life and took over my being. The part of me who actually believed in myself and knew that I could do whatever I set my mind to. The part of me who KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything in our lives happens for a reason, and we may not know the reason right away, but ti will come to us in time. The part of me who is driven and won't stop moving forward, even after my goals have all been met. The part of me who knows that there is only one direction to move in, and that's FORWARD. There is no use in looking back on the past with regret and dwelling on past mistakes. Consider me Kelvin Rodeo 2.0. I'm back, I'm in charge, I'm fired up and ready to go!!! My life has only just begun, and this time it's going to be great. Because I said it will be. No more hang-ups. No more self-pity. No more wallowing in my sorrows.

I love my life, and I love my business and everyone involved in it. I am going to do whatever it takes to be successful. It's a done deal. Thank you, Matt Fromm, for believing in me and making sure that I got to this Function. It truly has changed my life, and I am glad to have you as my upline and friend.

Get ready, world, because Kelvin Rodeo is back and better than ever!

Fair winds and following seas, Angelo Villagomez!

So this post is kinda late, as I had intended to post it earlier in the week but a lot of things came up so i never finished it..... better late than never, I suppose.

By the end of the week, the island of Saipan will be bidding farewell to one of the greatest public figures that it has ever seen. Angelo Villagomez, whom we all know and have come to love in the past four years, is moving on to the next chapter of his life and leaving Saipan for Florida. In the past four years that he has been on Saipan, he has done so much for the community; a lot more than many other public figures have ever done. No, he never loaned out picnic tables or tents for those big parties that we all love so much. What he did, and what he will be leaving us with, is so much more valuable. Just the establishment of Beautify CNMI alone is enough to write pages upon pages about. With Beautify CNMI, he managed to create a nonpartisan organization that united our people, regardless of which political party they belonged to, under the common goal of beautifying our islands. Together, we have successfully cleaned, and will continue to clean many areas on island in our mission to rid the islands of the various eyesores that pollute our image. While I cannot be there in person, I fully support the mission of Beautify CNMI. In a politically divided CNMI, it is the one thing that unites us under one vision, the vision of a beautiful and tourist-friendly vacation destination. We have Angelo to thank for that.

He has inspired so many of us to take action and speak out for what we believe in. The amount of participation by my peers in political and environmental discussions has skyrocketed thanks to all of his efforts. He truly was an inspiration to us all and the catalyst for change in many. He has paved the way for all of us to go, and now it is our job to continue on with what he started. He may not be on island anymore, but we can continue carrying out his (and our) dream of creating and sustaining another beautiful and prosperous CNMI. I have spoken to a lot of my friends and former classmates from home, and they have all expressed an interest in returning home someday to try to help our islands rise up from the ashes, when those very same people had once picked up their bags and left saying that they would never return because there was no hope left. Angelo has brought that spark of hope back for many of us, and I will be forever grateful for that. As for me, I never gave up hope. I kept trying to convince my peers that there would always be hope as long as we never gave up on our islands, but many of them didn't see that hope until Angelo came into the picture and showed us all what was possible with hard work, dedication, and a little bit of faith.

And so, it is now up to us, CNMI, to carry on with his vision. Let's all continue to work together to help make our dreams a reality. We can do it. Just look at everything we have accomplished in the last couple of years. Think about how much more we can accomplish if we just keep on with it for the next couple of years and into the future! Thank you so much for everything you have done for us and our home, Angelo. Your presence on island will truly be missed, and the day of your return someday in the future will be a greatly anticipated event. May you have a safe journey to Florida and may you continue to be successful where ever your life takes you. We hope to see you again someday.

holy crap

wow I haven't posted anything in a while.... I suppose part of the reason is that I've been too busy lately... and also part of the reason is that it gets kinda hard to keep five different blogs up to date.... yes, I have five separate blogs.... they are all for different things. oh well. been tired lately. bored too. but also been spending lots of time at the gym, so I suppose that's a good thing.

VOTING IN THE CNMI GENERAL ELECTION 2009

Greetings all,

Seeing as how the time to vote is coming up, and a lot of us are still in the dark about what exactly these gubernatorial candidates are planning to do if they win, I went out and did some research to try to find their platforms.... It didn't take me long, mind you, as all I had to do was go to their websites and click on Platform. Who'd've thought that it was really that easy, huh? Lol. Anyway, we need to all be educated voters this year, so for those of you who still don't know anything about these candidates, here are the links to their platforms. I highly encourage you all to take the time to read through them all before you make your decision on who to vote for.
Juan Pan & Joe Camacho: http://www.juanpan.jncamacho.com/platform.php
Heinz Hofschneider & Arnold Palacios: http://www.heinzarnold2009.com/downloads/HP_Brochure.pdf (For these two, the link to their Platform is broken, but on their main page they have this little brochure that I'm pretty sure serves the same purpose.)
Ramon Guerrero & David Borja: http://www.yes2kumoiborja.com/platform.php
Ben Fitial & Eloy Inos: http://www.ben-eloy.com/platform.asp


I hope you all go through these pages and read and get as much information as possible so that you can make an educated vote this year. You'll feel a lot better about yourself after the election, knowing that you didn't just do some spur-of-the-moment random vote this year (I know a bunch of my friends back in the last election really had no idea who to vote for so they all voted for Fitial just because everyone else seemed to be so positive about him). I will try to also find the platforms and websites for the candidates for Mayor and the other offices, but I can't guarantee you anything. Let's all work together here to help make our islands a better place. It starts with YOU, the voters. You have the power in you to help make a difference.


Thank you for your time.
Remember to vote responsibly this year,


ASAN Kelvin Rodeo
AIMD/IM-4
Command Color Guard co-coordinator
Command Exhibition Rifle Drill Team co-coordinator
USS John C. Stennis CVN-74
Bremerton, WA

Gi Talo Gi Halom Tåsi

So for today I am a lot more homesick than usual, and I thought I'd go over something that will always be a part of me and will always take me home, no matter where I am in the world. It's our very own CNMI Anthem. It's what we all grew up learning and singing at just about every special event back home, and it's definitely something that hits home every time it is sung. It's definitely a song that will always be special to me and will never grow old, no matter what. For those of you who can't understand Chamorro or Carolinian, I have included an english translation of the lyrics. So, without further ado, here it is, the CNMI Anthem, sung by my MHS Student Council President (I was her Vice President in '07) Juanette Villagomez.

Gi Talo Gi Halom Tåsi/Satil Matawal Pasifiko (CNMI Anthem)







Chamorro:







Gi talo gi halom tåsi



Nai gaige tano-ho



Ayo nai siempre hu såga



Malago' ho



Ya un dia bai hu hånåo



Bai fåtto ha' ta'lo



Ti siña håo hu dingo



O tano-ho







CHORUS:







Mit beses yan mås



Hu saluda håo



Gatbo na islas Mariånas



Hu tuna håo







Carolinian (Refalawasch):







Satil matawal Pacifico



Igha elo faluweey iye



Ighilal igha ebwe lootiw



Tipeey iye



Eew raal nge ibwe mwetesangi



Nge ibwal sefaalitiiy Ese mmwel bwe ibwe lighiti



Bwe falaweey







CHORUS:







Sangaras faal bwughuwal



Ay tirow ngalugh



Ling ghatchul teel



Faluw Mariånas



Ay Mwareiti







English Translation:







In the middle of the sea



Is where my home is



That is where I will spend my days



It is my desire



If I ever leave this place



One day I will return



For I can never leave you



O land of mine







CHORUS:







A thousand times and more



I will honor and salute you



Beautiful islands of the Mariånas



Glory be to you

My Labor Day 2009.

So, while the rest of America is out at parks having picnics or in the wilderness having a little mini-campout, I am here, at home, with Dylan. All day. It's just been the two of us, until just about half an hour ago, when Den came home, with an unexpected guest. Yeah, she brought her little guy friend over, the one that she had spent like the whole weekend with. I guess it's a good thing that we cleaned up the house as soon as we got home. Still though, I'm stuck here at home just using the internet on labor day while the rest of America is out having picnics and family gatherings and shit. What a bummer. I ended up spending most of my day analyzing the rest of the audio files of our Ouija board sessions (which I am not even completely done with) and monitoring for EVPs. Yep, that's my labor day for ya. I can't even have fun and drink on Labor Day, because of my surgery.... ugh this sucks!!

The New Routine.

So I spent the weekend moving into Denyale's house.... I am now living with Denyale and Dylan out in town, and it's pretty sweet. I am not going to move all my stuff out of my barracks room, obviously, but just the stuff that's taking up a lot of space here. I'm only gonna be using my room for the nights that I have to come in to work on the messdecks. The weekend was alright, I went over to Mango's pad for a little BBQ with other people from the shop and everyone got wild and crazy and drunk. I drank a few drinks, but I knew that Den and Dylan would get way too trashed that night, so I eventually cut myself off so that I could drive us home when everyone was ready to leave. It was quite an experience, the drive home. It was dark and it was raining pretty hard so I was kinda on edge already, and then Den, being absorbed into her phone and reacting to it with "oh my god" and "gasp" from time to time, would really freak me out. I'm not usually a jumpy driver, but keep in mind that I haven't driven a vehicle in over 8 months (probably even longer), and I have never driven in Washington, AND it was dark and rainy.... all of that makes the perfect recipe for a nerve-racking night.

So anyway, we got home and the absolutely wasted Dylan went to bed eventually, after a couple of embarrassing moments with Den and quite possibly some hidden truths that came out unintentionally. The next morning we were gonna drop Dylan off to work, but when I woke up to my alarm I was so tired that I passed out again and they left. I woke up when Den came back and I couldn't sleep after that. I ended up watching the second half of Heroes Season 3, because there was a marathon running on G4. Den and I stayed in our own little worlds pretty much all day, except for the times when she would cook us a meal, and then later on in the night she had decided that enough was enough and we couldn't stay in the house any longer. She said we needed to go out and do something or she would go insane, so that's just what we did. We went over to Silverdale Mall and hung out for a while, and then on our way back she said she was too lazy to cook again so we decided to go get some pizza from LIttle Caesar's.

We ate the pizza and watched ghost shows on TV, and then she and I went to bed because she said she had to go fishing early in the morning the next day. She ended up not going because she had ended up staying up so late (she said she didn't get to sleep till around 5:30), and I woke up to the sound of Dylan entering the house. We all hung out for a couple of hours, and then Wolf and Connor came over and chilled for a while and we all got drunk at the house and all that shit.

IDK, it was a pretty boring and uneventful weekend for me, but it was good down time spent with Den and Dylan. We have accepted that the three of us are all we have for the next year and a half (I, unfortunately, have longer on the boat than that, but Den and Dylan are getting out before I do) and that this was our family until then. It's cool, though, because I really do see Den as a sister and Dylan as a brother. They're the ony two people in the shop that I actually do trust fully and wholeheartedly and I know won't fuck me over on anything.

Memories...

So today, on the walk back to my barracks from the front gate of the base, I started thinking about Great Lakes outta nowhere... and then suddenly all the memories came rushing back in and I started remembering things like they has just happened yesterday. I remember how late it was when we all checked in to the base across from boot camp, I remember how shitty our first barracks was, meeting my first roommate, who was a buds/seal candidate (but is now an IS on my ship! haha), I remembered getting moved around to different barracks 3 times while I was there, I remembered how close everyone in the Franklin was (we truly were like a big Family in that barracks); I remembered that Michael Stuessy was my best friend, but I don't quite remember how we met... haha all I know is we hung out all the time and times were good. So many memories came to me out of just a single thought; the thought that my second year anniversary in the Navy was approaching. God, it has been a good but trying two years of my life. I miss everyone from the very beginning of it all. Back when times were good. Back in Great Lakes. Those were the good ol' days, indeed. I'd even go as far as saying that those 6 months that I spent in Great Lakes, IL were the best 6 months of my entire Naval career to date. It's funny, too, now that I think of it, because back in those days we were all saying how happy we would be to get out of there, how we couldn't wait to make it to the Fleet..... and now that we're all out here in the big United States Navy fleet, we all wanna go back.... we all would like to return to our old A school days... back when the Navy still cared about us, back when things were still good. We didn't realize how good we had it back in the day.... all we did was complain, complain, complain about how much bullshit we had to go through.... but we had no idea just how much worse the bullshit is out here in the Fleet. Oh, no.... Not a damn clue.

That is such a recurring theme throughout life; when you're somewhere doing something in particular, you complain and say you hate it, but once you're done and you've moved on you tend to look back and wish you were still over there doing what you were doing. Why is that, I wonder?