Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Just some stuff that's on my mind...

Boy, when the depression hits, it hits ya damn hard. Sitting around feeling worthless and without direction wondering what the point of living is right now. I had but one wish for Christmas this year, and that was for us to be a family again….and I couldn't even get that. This family is so screwed and this is such a broken home it's not even funny. I feel so sorry for my baby sister, that this is the kind of life that she has to grow up living…she deserves so much better. She's such a bright little kid and she has such a good future ahead of her….*sigh*

Story of my life, I guess….my family's never been the picture perfect example of what a family should be like. We've always had problems, ever since I was a little kid. I guess one could even say that I'm the source of all the problems in this family. I've tried to change, so many times I've tried but failed…and I'm just so tired of trying and failing in life. I failed my family, I failed myself, I failed the CNMI because I couldn't kickstart the revolution, I just fail at life, basically.

I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing adds up anymore. Really, what is the point of life? Is it to suffer? Because that doesn't seem like much of a life to me. With everything fucked up in my head and my life, I also have to deal with how fucked up the outside world is and how hopeless the situation seems out there too. With psychopaths making moves towards gaining complete control over the world population and restricting our rights and making our slavery complete, what is the point of living anymore? We fight and fight and fight but nothing ever changes….nothing.

It really is seeming pretty hopeless, so please forgive my sudden burst of negativity and extreme pessimism. I could only hold on to the optimist charade for so long. *sigh* Sometimes I just really wonder if this is all there is to life….just a bunch of pain and misery and suffering and eternal damnation as slaves in this Matrix world of illusion and deception… I'd like to think that there's so much more, but I just can't see it. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, aside from that light that you walk into when you're gone from this physical existence? Because I look into my tunnel and all I see is darkness. Eternal darkness for miles and miles, never ending……

Darkness. Forever. It engulfs me. Consumes me whole until I am no more. This is my life. I am a slave to the Matrix. Life is…..

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Oh, what a night.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really all worth it, all the effort that I put into this mission... all the faith I put into the youth of the Marianas. I honestly feel miserable right now. It's as if all my dreams have been crushed.

On the Facebook group "You Know You're From Saipan ... ," two people who go by the names of "Fernando Falig" and "TonSex Demapan" have caused me to lose hope in this current generation of youth. Yeah, you can say that "they're just kids...give them time to grow..." blah blah blah all that stuff.... but you know what? "They're just kids" is NOT an excuse for someone to laugh about bullying causing a kid to commit suicide. Are our kids today REALLY this heartless and ignorant? I mean, REALLY? Have I been so blinded by my hopes for the future of the CNMI that I failed to see just how bad the youth of today is? I just.... I honestly don't know what to say. I mean, WOW. As if laughing about an 11-year old girl killing herself wasn't bad enough, they proceeded to DEFEND their actions when I confronted them about it... just...WOW. I honestly don't know what else to say, but WOW.

I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. I'm losing hope fast, folks. Help. Please. Before I lose all hope for our youth. Someone, please help.

Monday, June 13, 2011

My "Revival" Weekend

Well, there's really no point in me trying to explain that it's been a LONG while since I last posted anything on here, as you can all see that for yourselves. So I'm just gonna dive right into the meat of things and explain how this past weekend was my big "revival" weekend. Unfortunately, it's still gonna be a pretty long entry, because I really want to get the WHOLE story out there. I hope you do read it all, so you can see for yourself just where I am coming from right now.

For those of you who have been keeping up with me on Facebook through my constant status updates, you know that I have been having quite a miserable time lately (for the past few months it's been on and off, back and forth between being absolutely miserable and then totally "fine" on the outside), and it really got to its worst on Friday night. I honestly felt like just throwing in the towel and letting my life just go to shit (even more than it already has). But then, something happened. This is the story of how this weekend reaffirmed to me that everything (and I mean, EVERYTHING) happens for a reason, and that you are always exactly where you are supposed to be, when you are supposed to be there, doing what you're supposed to be doing.

It started on Friday night. I was packing my bags and getting ready to leave for Andrew's house, since he was my ride up to San Jose. I couldn't drive my car, so I was relying on my sister to take me to Andrew's house. The details of what happened next are kinda iffy in my head right now, but basically I was having some sort of conversation with my mom and sister and then she said something that really upset me, and so I raised my voice and she did the same, and things got pretty heated pretty quickly. It ended with me screaming at the top of my lungs, "You're not my fucking sister! (x2)" And so, needless to say, THAT pretty much blew away any chance I had of getting to Andrew's.

So I decided that I was going to walk all the way across LA county from Glendale to Marina del Rey, since I REALLY wanted to go to the Summer Conference, and that was the only way I saw that I was gonna get there. Now, you're probably wondering, "Why didn't you just ask your Mom to drop you off?" Well, I did, you see, but my mom isn't used to driving long distances at night, so she said she couldn't do it. And so, with my mind set on walking the whole way there, I posted it on Facebook, like I always do, posting every second of my life on there like it's the normal thing to do... And then while I was packing my bags and getting ready to leave, my sister knocks on my door. So I open it, and all she says is "I'll take you, ok?" Me, still being heated from earlier, REALLY wanted to say some snide remark, but decided to lower my pride and just say, "Ok."

So eventually I get to Andrew's place, and I was on Facebook on my iPhone (I just can't get enough of Facebook, it seems, eh?) reading and commenting on my best friend Trevor Roach's latest status update. He was in the same shitty mood I was in, which was becoming more and more common lately. So his friend T-roy and I pretty much invaded his wall post and had our own little conversation about life and shit like that, and man, this guy really inspired me! I mean, WOW. He'd been down on his luck for over 2 years already and was STILL alive and kicking, and STILL moving forward trying to make the best outta the cards he'd been dealt. I thought MY life was bad? This guy had been so low at one point that he was living in his car for a period of time! It was truly a huge slap in the face for me, and I immediately felt horrible that I was over here complaining on a daily basis about how bad my life is...and then I get this reminded from a friend of a friend living on the opposite side of the country that my problems ain't shit compared to what he's gone through, and what so many other people are still going through. Just...the way he looks at life, the way he goes on living day to day saying that it is what it is and he can only look forward, it's truly inspiring! It got me thinking, if HE can go on living and thinking like that even after all he's been through and is still going through, what RIGHT do I have to sit here and complain about my life when I don't even have it as bad as he does? That was the start of it all...the beginning of my decision to change. The events that transpired next were the true catalyst for this huge change in me, though. Keep reading, you won't regret it. I promise.

So we get to the BWW Summer Conference 2011, and things are going well, and there are all these speakers sharing their tips to becoming successful and stuff like that, and it was as if the flame inside me that had been sparked by my conversation with T-roy had just been fed a bunch of "fire food". That small little spark in me just grew and grew until the fires of passion and absolute excitement about being alive completely consumed me. I was experiencing a natural euphoria and I was getting hyped up about life! In less than 24 hours, I went from feeling the worst I had ever felt in my life, to feeling the absolute best that I had felt in a VERY long time. It was AMAZING! We eventually broke for dinner, and when we came back, there was this group performing a few songs about being successful in the business and stuff like that. They ended it with "Tubthumping" by Chumbawamba. THAT was the kicker. Those words have never rang truer for me in my entire life! "I get knocked down, but I get up again; You're never gonna keep me down!" I mean, WOW! The rest of the night went with a few more presentations that really changed my life.

On Sunday morning, Matt woke me up and we got dressed and ready and went to the Christian service. Keep in mind, folks, that I am not a Christian. Those of you who know me, know why. Those of you who don't, that's another blog entry altogether, but I promise I will explain. When we got there, the same group that had been performing on Saturday's second half was on stage singing songs of praise. The song they were singing when we got there had something to do with how much we are all loved by Jesus and whatnot, I no shit, I started tearing up. I mean my eyes started to water and I almost broke down right then and there. It was EXACTLY what I had needed to hear. I had been feeling so unloved and unappreciated and unworthy of anything for the longest time, and for complete strangers to tell me that Jesus loves me, for some reason I just cracked. It hit a chord in my soul that hadn't been hit in a very long time. I felt all the energy from everyone around me as they all praised God and Jesus and stuff like that, and I was being revitalized by it. Slowly but surely I, the Kelvin you all once knew and loved, was coming back to life... but different. Better. But that's not even the best part. My Christian friends will LOVE what I am about to tell you all next. So the service progressed, and at the end of it all, Alan, who was speaking at the service that morning, led those who wished to participate in The Sinner's Prayer. I had never heard of it before, but I decided to say it along with everyone else anyway. In for a penny, in for a pound, you know? So we went on and said the prayer, and it got to some part about Jesus and washing away our sins or something like that, and again I just felt so LOVED and so moved by it all that my eyes began to tear up again... I was being completely washed over with so much positive energy and so much love that I just couldn't help but tear up. It was quite an experience, and I loved it! That said, though, and I'm sorry that this will probably disappoint all my Christian friends, I'm not returning to the Christian religion. Like I said, i have my reasons, and that's a whole different blog entry for a later time.

The rest of the day went on without a hitch, and I learned even more things that I needed to know to make my business successful and stuff like that. All in all, the Function was AMAZING and most definitely LIFE CHANGING. I will forever remember this past weekend as my Revival Weekend, because it was a weekend in which a long-dead part of me was brought back to life and took over my being. The part of me who actually believed in myself and knew that I could do whatever I set my mind to. The part of me who KNOWS beyond a shadow of a doubt that everything in our lives happens for a reason, and we may not know the reason right away, but ti will come to us in time. The part of me who is driven and won't stop moving forward, even after my goals have all been met. The part of me who knows that there is only one direction to move in, and that's FORWARD. There is no use in looking back on the past with regret and dwelling on past mistakes. Consider me Kelvin Rodeo 2.0. I'm back, I'm in charge, I'm fired up and ready to go!!! My life has only just begun, and this time it's going to be great. Because I said it will be. No more hang-ups. No more self-pity. No more wallowing in my sorrows.

I love my life, and I love my business and everyone involved in it. I am going to do whatever it takes to be successful. It's a done deal. Thank you, Matt Fromm, for believing in me and making sure that I got to this Function. It truly has changed my life, and I am glad to have you as my upline and friend.

Get ready, world, because Kelvin Rodeo is back and better than ever!