Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I don't know

I'm pathetic. I can't live with myself anymore but I can't just off myself either because even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes knowing how much pain I'll be causing the people I love the most. Just change, you tell me. Change, if you're not satisfied with the way your life is going. Easy for you to say. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what I go through on a daily basis. No one does. I keep it all locked up inside me because no one cares about what I'm going through. Everyone has their own problems to worry about. No time for me or my problems. And I don't want to be a burden on anyone anyway, so I don't go around telling everyone that I meet that I'm fucked up in the head and in life. Something is wrong with me. Something is terribly wrong with me. My life is shit. I'm in over my head in debt with no job and no income to pay it all off. I've been looking for a job for the past year and have had no luck whatsoever. I'm pretty much convinced that I'll never get a job, considering how the search has gone so far. I've pretty much fallen back into the same shithole I was in before school started. School helped for a while but now it seems like things are back to the way they were before. I'm probably failing all my classes now and I'm struggling to get by because I can't even afford my textbooks. Because I couldn't afford textbooks, my motivation was shot straight out the window. It didn't help that none of my teachers but one were motivational or interesting. I'm almost fully convinced now that college isn't for me, which then makes me think 5 years into the future where I'm a homeless bum scraping by with my failure of a life. Sometimes I just want to escape from it all. From this world. Take a nice little Soma vacation like they do in Brave New World. But even that would be useless, because as soon as that vacation is over I'd just be right back in this shithole of a life. I thought I could bring meaning back to my life by being a political activist and by fighting for what I believe in and trying to rile the masses of the CNMI into action, but even there I have failed. I guess I really am good at nothing but failing…. in all avenues of my life it seems that is my one common theme…..failure. So tell me, why am I still here? What point is there to my useless, worthless failure of a life? I just can't seem to figure it out. I can't ever kill myself. I won't. I refuse. But I do know that I cannot continue living this sorry excuse for a life. I'm pathetic. Goodbye for now, I guess I will take that Soma vacation, after all...