Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Just some stuff that's on my mind...

Boy, when the depression hits, it hits ya damn hard. Sitting around feeling worthless and without direction wondering what the point of living is right now. I had but one wish for Christmas this year, and that was for us to be a family again….and I couldn't even get that. This family is so screwed and this is such a broken home it's not even funny. I feel so sorry for my baby sister, that this is the kind of life that she has to grow up living…she deserves so much better. She's such a bright little kid and she has such a good future ahead of her….*sigh*

Story of my life, I guess….my family's never been the picture perfect example of what a family should be like. We've always had problems, ever since I was a little kid. I guess one could even say that I'm the source of all the problems in this family. I've tried to change, so many times I've tried but failed…and I'm just so tired of trying and failing in life. I failed my family, I failed myself, I failed the CNMI because I couldn't kickstart the revolution, I just fail at life, basically.

I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing adds up anymore. Really, what is the point of life? Is it to suffer? Because that doesn't seem like much of a life to me. With everything fucked up in my head and my life, I also have to deal with how fucked up the outside world is and how hopeless the situation seems out there too. With psychopaths making moves towards gaining complete control over the world population and restricting our rights and making our slavery complete, what is the point of living anymore? We fight and fight and fight but nothing ever changes….nothing.

It really is seeming pretty hopeless, so please forgive my sudden burst of negativity and extreme pessimism. I could only hold on to the optimist charade for so long. *sigh* Sometimes I just really wonder if this is all there is to life….just a bunch of pain and misery and suffering and eternal damnation as slaves in this Matrix world of illusion and deception… I'd like to think that there's so much more, but I just can't see it. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, aside from that light that you walk into when you're gone from this physical existence? Because I look into my tunnel and all I see is darkness. Eternal darkness for miles and miles, never ending……

Darkness. Forever. It engulfs me. Consumes me whole until I am no more. This is my life. I am a slave to the Matrix. Life is…..