Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I've given up.

Life just seems to trivial, so pointless now. It's pathetic, but I honestly don't care about my life or my future anymore. I mean, it's not like I'll amount to anything in life, anyway, right? As far as my dad's concerned, I'm just a useless 23 year-old kid who does nothing to contribute to society, let alone the home I live in. I mean, after having my dad rub it in my face the other day, it just really hit me deep at my core, the fact that I really am useless and nothing I've done is of any worth and I'll never amount to anything in life. I haven't been able to sleep since that night, and I haven't been going to school this week. What's the point? I'll just mope around lost in my own little world of self-loathing; it'll just be another bother for everyone else.

I tried to make my life mean something by being an activist and fighting against injustice and corruption no matter where I encountered it, but even that has become meaningless to me. I mean, it's not like the things I say or post actually have any effect. Who am I, for it to affect people on that level? I'm no one famous, my word means shit to the world. I'm just another random crazy fanatical conspiracy nut to everyone. I suppose, if I don't die anytime soon, I'll end up being that deranged lonely old man who lives by himself who everyone stays away from. I'll just be another washed up meaningless waste of a life.

At this point I'd imagine I've been dropped from my classes for my absences. Oh well. It's not like school was actually doing anything for me anyway. I was going to school to try to feel like I meant something to this world. I was going to school because I thought I had a future to work towards. But I see the pointlessness of it all, now. Deep down, I know that it's all pointless because I'll never be more than just this useless shell of a human being. I'm empty. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. Nothing that I used to find joy in can comfort me now, it seems. Playing games isn't as fun since that night. Watching my favorite Japanese shows isn't as enjoyable anymore. Even Doctor Who and Torchwood can't seem to shake me from this. Oh well, I guess this is just the way my life goes.

My best friend Cole even called me all the way from Iowa the night that it happened, and it did help me a little bit, but the next morning I was in the same shitty mood again. I just don't see the point of anything anymore, you know? If my dad thinks that all I ever do with my life is sit at home playing games on the Xbox and computer, then I'll just have to live up to his expectations. And that's exactly what I've been doing since that night, staying home playing Xbox all day. It's not even that fun for me anymore since that night, but whatever. At least this way I'll finally be living up to someone's expectations. It's ok, I've accepted that that's all I'm good for. I'll probably just end up being a sad, fat, 30 year old kid who lives with his parents and stays at home playing video games all day. Oh well, I guess that's my role in life. I'd never kill myself; I could never do such a thing. But this is my life now, hopeless, no future, no nothing. Sucks to be me. Here's to life!

Monday, November 26, 2012


I'm a useless 23 year-old kid who lives at home and leeches off of my parents because I can't get a job no matter how hard I try and how long I look. I'm worthless. Useless. A useless eater. I'll never amount to anything in life, and nothing seems to have any real meaning anymore; I have no drive, no motivation to do anything. I'm not even taking school seriously, to the point of probably failing at least one class this semester. Even all of my activism has begun to feel pointless. It's not like I'm actually making a difference in this world, anyway. I mean, who the fuck am I, this lowly peasant named Kelvin Rodeo, for people to believe what I say and do? I'm nothing, I'm nobody. My existence is a worthless one. Everything that I did was to try to start feeling something about life again, but I quickly discovered that all of that, too, will fade away and disappear. I guess nothing can really be exciting when you're such a worthless person.

I mean, really! What have I done in my 23 years of this worthless existence that anyone will ever have a good memory about? Absolutely nothing! When I die, I will just be some other guy who died, no one special, no one worth talking about or mourning over. I'm all alone in this cold, dark place. But it's ok. I'm just a fucked up kid who fucks up everything he touches. It's good that I'm alone, can't hurt anyone that way. I'm so tired of this. All of it. This thing called life is a joke. What's the point of it all? Why am I on this earth if all I can do is fuck up and piss people off or make them sad? What a cruel joke if that is all there is to this existence. Who would want to live a life like that? A life where I only hurt the people who try to help me. I'll never be a good person no matter what I do. I can pray and pray and pray for change and I can try my hardest to change but no matter what, I always fuck up in the end and prove that I haven't changed. Do my prayers fall on deaf ears? Most likely, but it doesn't hurt to try. But I'm tired of trying. Tired of it all and how pointless it is. Why am I alive? Why must I cause so much suffering? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

Sometimes I wish I could just go crazy, like be one of those people in an insane asylum who isn't there at all because they're in their head in some imaginary world all the time. I figure that's the only way out of this. I'm so pathetic I can't ever kill myself because deep down I'm too scared to die. Because I know how much more pain that would cause, and I couldn't bear that kind of a burden, even in the afterlife.