I've given up.

Life just seems to trivial, so pointless now. It's pathetic, but I honestly don't care about my life or my future anymore. I mean, it's not like I'll amount to anything in life, anyway, right? As far as my dad's concerned, I'm just a useless 23 year-old kid who does nothing to contribute to society, let alone the home I live in. I mean, after having my dad rub it in my face the other day, it just really hit me deep at my core, the fact that I really am useless and nothing I've done is of any worth and I'll never amount to anything in life. I haven't been able to sleep since that night, and I haven't been going to school this week. What's the point? I'll just mope around lost in my own little world of self-loathing; it'll just be another bother for everyone else.

I tried to make my life mean something by being an activist and fighting against injustice and corruption no matter where I encountered it, but even that has become meaningless to me. I mean, it's not like the things I say or post actually have any effect. Who am I, for it to affect people on that level? I'm no one famous, my word means shit to the world. I'm just another random crazy fanatical conspiracy nut to everyone. I suppose, if I don't die anytime soon, I'll end up being that deranged lonely old man who lives by himself who everyone stays away from. I'll just be another washed up meaningless waste of a life.

At this point I'd imagine I've been dropped from my classes for my absences. Oh well. It's not like school was actually doing anything for me anyway. I was going to school to try to feel like I meant something to this world. I was going to school because I thought I had a future to work towards. But I see the pointlessness of it all, now. Deep down, I know that it's all pointless because I'll never be more than just this useless shell of a human being. I'm empty. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. Nothing that I used to find joy in can comfort me now, it seems. Playing games isn't as fun since that night. Watching my favorite Japanese shows isn't as enjoyable anymore. Even Doctor Who and Torchwood can't seem to shake me from this. Oh well, I guess this is just the way my life goes.

My best friend Cole even called me all the way from Iowa the night that it happened, and it did help me a little bit, but the next morning I was in the same shitty mood again. I just don't see the point of anything anymore, you know? If my dad thinks that all I ever do with my life is sit at home playing games on the Xbox and computer, then I'll just have to live up to his expectations. And that's exactly what I've been doing since that night, staying home playing Xbox all day. It's not even that fun for me anymore since that night, but whatever. At least this way I'll finally be living up to someone's expectations. It's ok, I've accepted that that's all I'm good for. I'll probably just end up being a sad, fat, 30 year old kid who lives with his parents and stays at home playing video games all day. Oh well, I guess that's my role in life. I'd never kill myself; I could never do such a thing. But this is my life now, hopeless, no future, no nothing. Sucks to be me. Here's to life!

Soliloquy

I'm a useless 23 year-old kid who lives at home and leeches off of my parents because I can't get a job no matter how hard I try and how long I look. I'm worthless. Useless. A useless eater. I'll never amount to anything in life, and nothing seems to have any real meaning anymore; I have no drive, no motivation to do anything. I'm not even taking school seriously, to the point of probably failing at least one class this semester. Even all of my activism has begun to feel pointless. It's not like I'm actually making a difference in this world, anyway. I mean, who the fuck am I, this lowly peasant named Kelvin Rodeo, for people to believe what I say and do? I'm nothing, I'm nobody. My existence is a worthless one. Everything that I did was to try to start feeling something about life again, but I quickly discovered that all of that, too, will fade away and disappear. I guess nothing can really be exciting when you're such a worthless person.

I mean, really! What have I done in my 23 years of this worthless existence that anyone will ever have a good memory about? Absolutely nothing! When I die, I will just be some other guy who died, no one special, no one worth talking about or mourning over. I'm all alone in this cold, dark place. But it's ok. I'm just a fucked up kid who fucks up everything he touches. It's good that I'm alone, can't hurt anyone that way. I'm so tired of this. All of it. This thing called life is a joke. What's the point of it all? Why am I on this earth if all I can do is fuck up and piss people off or make them sad? What a cruel joke if that is all there is to this existence. Who would want to live a life like that? A life where I only hurt the people who try to help me. I'll never be a good person no matter what I do. I can pray and pray and pray for change and I can try my hardest to change but no matter what, I always fuck up in the end and prove that I haven't changed. Do my prayers fall on deaf ears? Most likely, but it doesn't hurt to try. But I'm tired of trying. Tired of it all and how pointless it is. Why am I alive? Why must I cause so much suffering? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY?!?!?

Sometimes I wish I could just go crazy, like be one of those people in an insane asylum who isn't there at all because they're in their head in some imaginary world all the time. I figure that's the only way out of this. I'm so pathetic I can't ever kill myself because deep down I'm too scared to die. Because I know how much more pain that would cause, and I couldn't bear that kind of a burden, even in the afterlife.

I don't know

I'm pathetic. I can't live with myself anymore but I can't just off myself either because even thinking about it brings tears to my eyes knowing how much pain I'll be causing the people I love the most. Just change, you tell me. Change, if you're not satisfied with the way your life is going. Easy for you to say. You don't know me. You don't know my life. You don't know what I go through on a daily basis. No one does. I keep it all locked up inside me because no one cares about what I'm going through. Everyone has their own problems to worry about. No time for me or my problems. And I don't want to be a burden on anyone anyway, so I don't go around telling everyone that I meet that I'm fucked up in the head and in life. Something is wrong with me. Something is terribly wrong with me. My life is shit. I'm in over my head in debt with no job and no income to pay it all off. I've been looking for a job for the past year and have had no luck whatsoever. I'm pretty much convinced that I'll never get a job, considering how the search has gone so far. I've pretty much fallen back into the same shithole I was in before school started. School helped for a while but now it seems like things are back to the way they were before. I'm probably failing all my classes now and I'm struggling to get by because I can't even afford my textbooks. Because I couldn't afford textbooks, my motivation was shot straight out the window. It didn't help that none of my teachers but one were motivational or interesting. I'm almost fully convinced now that college isn't for me, which then makes me think 5 years into the future where I'm a homeless bum scraping by with my failure of a life. Sometimes I just want to escape from it all. From this world. Take a nice little Soma vacation like they do in Brave New World. But even that would be useless, because as soon as that vacation is over I'd just be right back in this shithole of a life. I thought I could bring meaning back to my life by being a political activist and by fighting for what I believe in and trying to rile the masses of the CNMI into action, but even there I have failed. I guess I really am good at nothing but failing…. in all avenues of my life it seems that is my one common theme…..failure. So tell me, why am I still here? What point is there to my useless, worthless failure of a life? I just can't seem to figure it out. I can't ever kill myself. I won't. I refuse. But I do know that I cannot continue living this sorry excuse for a life. I'm pathetic. Goodbye for now, I guess I will take that Soma vacation, after all...

Tired

Who am I? Why am I here? What is the point of life on this Earth?

Obviously, I've been cursed since my birth.

Between the problems of this world and the problems of my own personal life,

My world is filled with far too much strife.

So much strife that I really don't want to go on.

I wish I could believe in the existence of a new dawn.

But no such thing exists; things will always be the same…

The problems abound and are far too many to name.

People keep telling me that things will get better,

But I think there's a better chance of us never seeing Rick Santorum wear another vest style sweater.

I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

Sometimes I wish I could just be permanently fired.

Is there any hope? I just don't know.

If there is, it's moving towards me way too slow.

Way to go, Kelvin….*sigh*

I'm a fraud. A phony. I go about professing about love and how love is the answer and love will save us all and how we should love everyone and blah blah blah…. but I just can't do that anymore. I mean, how can I go around telling people about love when I can't even bring myself to love ME? I just don't love myself…not one bit. I despise my very being. I loathe the image I see in the mirror. I break everything I touch and I fuck everything up for everyone.

It's only the first day of the new year and I couldn't even do something as simple as keep a new year's resolution. My new year's resolution was to do everything in my power to make this a family again….to finally bring us back to the happy family that we once were….but I can't even do that. Not even a whole day into the new year and already I got into an altercation with my mother which resulted in me choosing to stay at home while the rest of the family goes down to Anaheim to visit an old family friend. *sigh*

I'm so fucking stupid….sometimes I just don't even want to exist anymore if all I ever do is cause the people I hold dearest a bunch of pain and misery. Goddammit. I can't ever do anything right. I hate myself so much…so much for a new year and a new start….it's just the same ole stupid me, continuing to fuck everything up for people. What's the point of even living anymore? The anti-depressants are obviously not even working on me anymore. Oh well…whatever, I guess. *sigh*

Just some stuff that's on my mind...

Boy, when the depression hits, it hits ya damn hard. Sitting around feeling worthless and without direction wondering what the point of living is right now. I had but one wish for Christmas this year, and that was for us to be a family again….and I couldn't even get that. This family is so screwed and this is such a broken home it's not even funny. I feel so sorry for my baby sister, that this is the kind of life that she has to grow up living…she deserves so much better. She's such a bright little kid and she has such a good future ahead of her….*sigh*

Story of my life, I guess….my family's never been the picture perfect example of what a family should be like. We've always had problems, ever since I was a little kid. I guess one could even say that I'm the source of all the problems in this family. I've tried to change, so many times I've tried but failed…and I'm just so tired of trying and failing in life. I failed my family, I failed myself, I failed the CNMI because I couldn't kickstart the revolution, I just fail at life, basically.

I'm so tired. I just don't know what to do anymore. Nothing adds up anymore. Really, what is the point of life? Is it to suffer? Because that doesn't seem like much of a life to me. With everything fucked up in my head and my life, I also have to deal with how fucked up the outside world is and how hopeless the situation seems out there too. With psychopaths making moves towards gaining complete control over the world population and restricting our rights and making our slavery complete, what is the point of living anymore? We fight and fight and fight but nothing ever changes….nothing.

It really is seeming pretty hopeless, so please forgive my sudden burst of negativity and extreme pessimism. I could only hold on to the optimist charade for so long. *sigh* Sometimes I just really wonder if this is all there is to life….just a bunch of pain and misery and suffering and eternal damnation as slaves in this Matrix world of illusion and deception… I'd like to think that there's so much more, but I just can't see it. Is there really a light at the end of the tunnel, aside from that light that you walk into when you're gone from this physical existence? Because I look into my tunnel and all I see is darkness. Eternal darkness for miles and miles, never ending……

Darkness. Forever. It engulfs me. Consumes me whole until I am no more. This is my life. I am a slave to the Matrix. Life is…..

Oh, what a night.

Sometimes I wonder if it's really all worth it, all the effort that I put into this mission... all the faith I put into the youth of the Marianas. I honestly feel miserable right now. It's as if all my dreams have been crushed.

On the Facebook group "You Know You're From Saipan ... ," two people who go by the names of "Fernando Falig" and "TonSex Demapan" have caused me to lose hope in this current generation of youth. Yeah, you can say that "they're just kids...give them time to grow..." blah blah blah all that stuff.... but you know what? "They're just kids" is NOT an excuse for someone to laugh about bullying causing a kid to commit suicide. Are our kids today REALLY this heartless and ignorant? I mean, REALLY? Have I been so blinded by my hopes for the future of the CNMI that I failed to see just how bad the youth of today is? I just.... I honestly don't know what to say. I mean, WOW. As if laughing about an 11-year old girl killing herself wasn't bad enough, they proceeded to DEFEND their actions when I confronted them about it... just...WOW. I honestly don't know what else to say, but WOW.

I just don't know anymore. I just don't know. I'm losing hope fast, folks. Help. Please. Before I lose all hope for our youth. Someone, please help.