Monday, July 30, 2012


You know what I hate? I hate making my mom sad and/or mad. I love her too much, and it pains me to see her any way but happy. But you know what I hate more than that? Myself, because no matter what I do or say, I will always end up making my mom sad and/or mad. Tonight my mom came to my door to ask me if I was an atheist, because she sees everything that I post that is atheist-related. We got into an argument over it because she said that it offended her and that I shouldn't post any of that stuff up and then I told her that Facebook was the only thing in my life that I still had control over, so I didn't appreciate that she was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't post on Facebook.

Then she said that I should stop posting that kind of stuff because it offends her, so I told her that if it offends her, she should just remove me from her friends list so that she doesn't have to see my posts on her newsfeed anymore. Later she brought up that she raised us to be Christians/Catholics and I told her that it was absurd that she wanted me to still believe (even after everything that I've been through in life, and all the books and research that I've read, etc.) up to now. And then at one point she said "Just don't question those things," and then that's when I just really blew up on her. I wasn't shouting at the top of my lungs of whatever, but there was a definite increase in my volume as my frustration was at its peak levels at the time. And then she said something and just walked away.

I know I made her sad and/or mad because of all that tonight, and it's killing me right now. This is even worse than the last time I had to deal with something like this. Why do I have to decide either to not offend my mom or to continue to be the authority-questioning freethinker that I really am? It's really depressing me to know that I'm offending my mom just by being myself and posting things that question everything that I've been taught all my life. It's just……I don't even know. *sigh* I love my mom so much, and I don't want to offend her and I don't want to make her sad/mad and anything like that, but can I really stop being myself? Can I really resist the urge to post the things that I always post? It's killing me!!!! This is who I am, and I can't change that. I don't want to live a lie and pretend like I'm this God-fearing Christian kid that she raised. I can't. And that kills me, because I know that it upsets her, but I can't change anything about it.

I've cried multiple times tonight after that incident, and I am crying as I type this blog entry right now. You have no idea how much it kills me to have upset my mom tonight. I was just being myself and doing what I normally do. I'm sorry. Sometimes, life is just really shitty, you know? I fucking hate my life. Sometimes, I wish that I had never been born, because my entire existence is littered with numerous instances of me upsetting my mom. Time after time, no matter what I do and no matter how I try to change, I always, always upset my mom in the end. And it kills me to know that that is my existence in a nutshell. What kind of life is that, to know that no matter what you do you will always be hurting your mother in the end? Over and over again. I'm so sick of it.

In case anyone was wondering, THIS is why I don't believe in your kind and loving God, who, I learned from the 8 years that I went to Christian schools, supposedly plans out everything in our lives before we are even born. Why would he make me just to live out a life that he had planned out in advance, in which my very existence means my mother would suffer for as long as I live? If he really does exist, and he really does plan everything out like I was taught in school, then that God of yours is one mean ass deity, and I refuse to worship it ever again, let alone believe in its existence. Too bad that still doesn't change the fact that no matter what I do, I'm always gonna end up upsetting my mother. *sigh*