Wednesday, November 28, 2012

I've given up.

Life just seems to trivial, so pointless now. It's pathetic, but I honestly don't care about my life or my future anymore. I mean, it's not like I'll amount to anything in life, anyway, right? As far as my dad's concerned, I'm just a useless 23 year-old kid who does nothing to contribute to society, let alone the home I live in. I mean, after having my dad rub it in my face the other day, it just really hit me deep at my core, the fact that I really am useless and nothing I've done is of any worth and I'll never amount to anything in life. I haven't been able to sleep since that night, and I haven't been going to school this week. What's the point? I'll just mope around lost in my own little world of self-loathing; it'll just be another bother for everyone else.

I tried to make my life mean something by being an activist and fighting against injustice and corruption no matter where I encountered it, but even that has become meaningless to me. I mean, it's not like the things I say or post actually have any effect. Who am I, for it to affect people on that level? I'm no one famous, my word means shit to the world. I'm just another random crazy fanatical conspiracy nut to everyone. I suppose, if I don't die anytime soon, I'll end up being that deranged lonely old man who lives by himself who everyone stays away from. I'll just be another washed up meaningless waste of a life.

At this point I'd imagine I've been dropped from my classes for my absences. Oh well. It's not like school was actually doing anything for me anyway. I was going to school to try to feel like I meant something to this world. I was going to school because I thought I had a future to work towards. But I see the pointlessness of it all, now. Deep down, I know that it's all pointless because I'll never be more than just this useless shell of a human being. I'm empty. Nothing seems to be enjoyable anymore. Nothing that I used to find joy in can comfort me now, it seems. Playing games isn't as fun since that night. Watching my favorite Japanese shows isn't as enjoyable anymore. Even Doctor Who and Torchwood can't seem to shake me from this. Oh well, I guess this is just the way my life goes.

My best friend Cole even called me all the way from Iowa the night that it happened, and it did help me a little bit, but the next morning I was in the same shitty mood again. I just don't see the point of anything anymore, you know? If my dad thinks that all I ever do with my life is sit at home playing games on the Xbox and computer, then I'll just have to live up to his expectations. And that's exactly what I've been doing since that night, staying home playing Xbox all day. It's not even that fun for me anymore since that night, but whatever. At least this way I'll finally be living up to someone's expectations. It's ok, I've accepted that that's all I'm good for. I'll probably just end up being a sad, fat, 30 year old kid who lives with his parents and stays at home playing video games all day. Oh well, I guess that's my role in life. I'd never kill myself; I could never do such a thing. But this is my life now, hopeless, no future, no nothing. Sucks to be me. Here's to life!